Not on my (search) terms #2

Search Keywords

Entry	Pageviews
development of vulva in girls	2
kate massey chase	2
vagina waistcoat	2

My name I can understand, but the other two??? What?!  And most importantly: WHY DOES THIS TAKE YOU TO MY BLOG???????????

Not on my (search) terms

Gosh, I haven't been on here in a while. We have lots of catching up to do, my friends. It's been a busy couple of months.

Although I haven't written any posts since early August, this has not had the usual impact on my number of page views. Normally, I obsessively check the number of views my blog receives, like a small child checking presents under the tree. Click on me! Validate me! Prove I exist! (as Miss Fox would imitate in a whining voice that sounds in no way like my own: 'Pay me attention!') It probably sounds remarkably tragic (on a par with my weekly enjoyment of Holby City - don't judge!), but now that I'm not in full-time education, I don't get grades to measure my self-worth, sorry - academic attainment, by. Blog stats are thus a meagre attempt to self-assess. AND YET all this has now been SPOILT. Because, despite not posting anything for weeks, I'm still getting regular views. Why? Because of people google-imaging those fucking VAGINA CUPCAKES! Now when I look at the traffic sources and how people have bumped into my blog, I repeatedly discover it's from googling 'cunt cakes', 'hymen pussy', 'lesbian vaginas' and 'kate is so gay'.

Search Keywords

Entry	Pageviews
cunt cakes	4
cupcakes clitoris	3
hymen pussy	2
vag cupcake	2
vaginal cupcakes	2
lesbian and my beautiful girlfriend scenes	1

This does not make me happy. Not only do I feel quite sad, and weirdly unclean through association, but I also now can't know how many people are reading my blog for the content, rather than just scouring the web for jammy cunts (as it were). The only small thing that can assuage these frustrated and vaguely voyeuristic feelings (almost like hearing someone wanking in a public toilet) is that they might accidentally read the content while they're unbuttoning their trousers, or the type-face might flicker in the corner of their eyes as they glaze over, and they'll accidentally catch some lefty feminist rhetoric which might slip through the cracks in their hypothalamus, lodge itself somewhere, and spread like a lovely bacteria. WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS. ART IS POWER. CREATIVITY IS GOLDEN. KATE MAKES LEARNING FUN.

Hmmmm. I haven't actually written about any of the things I meant to. And I'm too tired now. Bollocks. (Please don't let that mean I'll get search terms of people looking for testicles now; there's only so much genitalia I can take!). I'll have to leave all my other musings and updates for another time. Including my bumping-into-Boris-Johnson-this-evening story. I bet you can hardly wait.

   

Feeling a bit ova-cum: vaginas on my mind

For various reasons, vaginas have been on my mind a lot recently. I realise I'm laying myself open (arghh, will everything I write now be a pun??) to all sorts of lesbian jokes by saying this, but it's true. And they've mostly been on my mind due to work, health, and politics, rather than sex. Sorry. To be honest, if I'm thinking about sex, 'vagina' is not one of the words that springs to mind. It's an important word; it's a heavily politicised word; but, it's not exactly a sexy word, is it? See Caitlin Moran for a full debate on the topic. Actually, just read How to be a Woman (just being published in the US, so having a little publicity revival) - the whole thing. It's ace. An important tome for our time. And not scared to talk about vaginas (and feminism). As Moran succinctly puts in: 

Do you have a vagina? And Do you want to be in charge of it? If you said 'yes' to both then, congratulations! You're a feminist. 

I'm a feminist. And I can say the word VAGINA loud and clear quite happily. And have been a lot recently (in fact, I used the word 'trans-vaginal' in front of my house-mate yesterday, prompting her to cover her ears run from the room). But, for me, sex is about more than just anatomy; so, for now, let's leave sex by the door and enter the semantic cavern of the v-jj without the innuendo. 

So, why the vagina craze? Why now? Well, I'm sure it won't have escaped your politically-engaged notice that about a month and a half ago Vaginagate hit our headlines, when Michigan Democrat's Lisa Brown got banned from speaking on the House floor for using the (oh so very offensive) word VAGINA when discussing a bill on abortion . How very dare she use the anatomically correct word whilst discussing women's rights over their own bodies! Shocked at this ridiculous reaction, Brown then went on to perform The Vagina Monologues, with Eve Ensler, on the steps on the state's capital building in Lansing, and gave her own vagina monologue in The Guardian. Then we've also got the Pussy Riots, a Russian punk band who are facing trial after being charged with hooliganism, and imprisoned for the last five months, following their performance of a protest song in Moscow's main cathedral.

I've also been trying to find an appropriate title for a publication by one of the organisations I work for. And hit a big hymen-esque wall over who is happy to have the word 'Vagina' in the title. Thus, in an effort to placate (PlaKATE - what can I say? I'm a people-pleaser) everyone, I've been exploring other vag-themed alternatives. Any pun on labia, vulva, fanny, cunt, twat, fandango, clitoris, womb, ovum, uterus, vag....umm lady-garden....I can think of (although lots of people sadly have lady-patios, and if we're going down that path - or fallopian tube -  then surely we need to get the word 'merkin' in there somewhere?). Today I was sitting on the bus and had to google 'A Womb of One's Own' to confirm my suspicions that it will definitely have been used before (it has, of course), trying not to list all the various shit euphemisms I can think of for vagina out-loud. As Kylie would say, I can't get them out of my head. THE VAGINAS ARE TAKING OVER. Except they're not, 'cos just saying the word is enough to get you gagged in politics, and just having one is enough to mean you get paid less. They're not taking over, and that's not what feminism wants: we just want a fair deal, fair rights, equal pay, laws that give us the right to decide what happens to our bodies, a world without genital mutilation or sexual violence (against anyone, not just women)...

So, if you want to make a subtle(ish) hint in the board room, or fancy posting a package to a political leader or two, I'd recommend bringing in some cakes (as befits our gender), or subtly doing your nails (all women are good for), and seeing if they get the message. 

Vagina cupcakes

Vagina nail art, I stole from Miss Fox's blog

All that said, however, I don't want any ladies to leave feeling down about their vaginas. If you are, just take a moment to appreciate your vagina - we're not all lucky enough to have one; think of the poor mermaids....